adrian is rad


a walk’s worth of thoughts

Filed under: — adrian @ 8:54 pm

Menlo Park is dead at 10pm on a Sunday.

[personal thoughts, ramblings after the jump]

There’s nobody around. Lights are off in most of the houses. It reminds me of walking in Boston at 4am, the same stillness. I’m passed by only half a dozen cars and most of them are either Priuses or SUVs. I only see two other people, only passed by one. He’s walking his dog and talking on his cell phone. The other, a shaved-headed, goateed man smoking a cigarette would pass me but turns off onto a side street just before.

A last minute malfunction of my ipod has left me without music. It’s just me and my thoughts.

I walk with a limp and a knee brace. I went out anyway because the last month since injuring myself has been really frustrating. I don’t move enough and that really wears on me. I don’t quite know how not doing something can wear one down, but this is the case.

I probably don’t need to limp but the tendon’s still tender despite my best efforts and I’m afraid of making it worse; I’m limiting the motion and limping in the process. The tickle in my throat and the pain in my back (along with my constant self-reminder that my hair is thinning) makes me realize I’m getting older. The tickle in my throat is most likely a cold coming on, brought on by activities that I would have no doubt thought nothing of even three years ago (not sleeping enough, eating and drinking in slight excess). My back locked up/ spasmed briefly twice today. There is no known cause of this. Once was while stretching this morning and the other was, embarrassingly, in front of some people at the dessert table at a radio station social function.

I’m almost 27. This seems to be an age that anyone younger thinks is old and anyone older thinks is laughably young. People that age seem to agree with the younger people. “Almost” is a bit of a stretch but ten weeks seems pretty close, doesn’t it?

Lots of moving and traveling and whirlwind activities are all part of the plans before I become undeniably old. I should do it while I’m young, without major responsibilities and unattached. I’m wondering if I’m doing it backwards though: maybe I’m without responsibility and unattached because I have these plans.

I wonder if my plans for the next few years make sense. Heck, I wonder if my plans for the next few weeks make sense. All these things I devote time to, all these things I obsess about, are they going to matter in five or ten years? Am I’m going to look back and think I was silly and wasting my time?

Inevitably I’m thinking about girls. It’s always this way. You know, I’m fine with guys. I’m good at being a friend; it takes me a while, but the friends I have are fantastic people. I’m also reasonably good at becoming friends with girls who are totally off-limits, out of the playing field, off the grid: girlfriends of guy friends, lesbians, etc. The rest: the ones that have boyfriends, the ones that move away, live far away, just want to be my friend, or otherwise simply don’t see me in that way, I have an endless ability to be awkward with, make inappropriate gestures to, or generally screw up. And let’s not even get started if a girl actually likes me: there’s quite possibly a smaller chance of that working out than of me impressing people with my public speaking ability. And timing: timing’s never been my strong point.

I realize that some of these girls are probably going to read this and I’m embarrassed.

Sometimes I just need silence and everything seems like an affront to my ears. It’s just like that.

A pickup growls past me and I realize I’m almost home. I should finish that chapter of the book; I should do that thing I’ve been putting off all day; I should go to sleep early so that I don’t get sick. I should remember to set my alarm a little earlier than usual for tomorrow; I need to get gas on the way to work.

2 Responses to “a walk’s worth of thoughts”

  1. libs Says:

    At a mere 9 days younger, the “getting older” thoughts have been creeping around my brain, too. (A lot, actually. I have been grappling with this nearly constantly lately) It’s a weird age. That is all I have come up with. It is just a hard age to be reasonable, ambitious and single. I feel like there is a gap in the path– I finished the last stage of my life and the next part has yet to begin. And now it is like that scene in Indiana Jones, where the bridge is invisible… you know…? I’m not sure where or how the path of my life will proceed from here.

    Incidentally, I think you are doing ok!

  2. Sarah Louise Says:

    I think you’re doing ok too. I was never one for the five year plan–can I deal with the next five minutes or five days? I thought I’d be married by 28–my mom was married at 26 and since early marriage is “back in style” (well, esp. in the crowds I hang with) almost all my younger friends are married (and most with kids.) And, at 35, most of my older or same age friends are married with kids. And this summer, EVERYONE is getting married.

    That doesn’t help, does it?

    Okay, what I’m TRYING (and failing) to say, is you’ll figure it out. The fact that you can verbalize that you like out of the realm of possibility girls is a step in the right direction.

    I haven’t dated anyone for 5 years, (even gone on a date) or been in a serious relationship for ten. And poof! The guy on the first floor who has been crushing on me probably for six months is now a three week “let’s take a walk” guy. So don’t worry about YOUR timing. The universe has its own clock, which unfortunately it rarely shares until you wake up one day.

    Wow, I sure can write long comments to blogs of guys who live far far away.

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