adrian is rad

Conan’s in Chicago this week. Guests include Dave Chapelle, Common, Wilco and others.

So the other day Andyl was talking how if it was possible to eat a food bar that had all the nutrition he needed, he’d switch over and eat only that. First we thought of Clif Bars or Balance Bars. As you can see, though, you’d have to eat a lot of those and you’d end up getting too much of some things and not enough of others. I then searched for “food bars” and what do you know? Mayday food bars! They’re approved by the US Coast Guard! If you eat five four-hundred calorie servings a day, you’re pretty much set on most of the things your body needs. Andy ordered some and they arrived yesterday. Before I’d gotten home he cracked them open and eaten two servings as his dinner. I decided to try one. They come in these blocks that look like little chunks of coffee cake. They even have an apple-cinnamon sort of taste. The thing is, they are dense. Imagine saw dust that’d been compacted by a 10-ton press. They also have no moisture in them at all. They don’t have a lot of sodium so they’re advertised as “non-thirst provoking” but I was glad I had some water (and soda) to go along with my chunk. I ate this piece and about 3/4 the way though BAM! it just hit me. It’s deceiving because of it’s small size, but this is a LOT of food and it just slams into your stomach. I was full for hours afterwards.

I offered Andy $20 and the cost of the mayday food bars if he’d only eat those for a week. Dylan made the same offer.

In the distant future, I don’t think I’ll necessarily be a good father, but I am pretty sure I’ll be pretty great at the pet names* for my son**: ace, champ, chief, pal, big guy. I’m just getting started here.

**I don’t mention a daughter here, because: a) pet names just work so much better with sons and b) I’m screwed if I have a daughter.

*When my dad turned 60, I told him that I was now going to call him “Pops” and “Old Man.” He did not take kindly to the latter.